What if's

Earlier this year, I was having a conversation with one of Kohen's wonderful preschool teachers. I was telling her that we had chosen a school for Kohen. It wasn't an easy decision. I was a teacher. I spent hours researching test scores, class sizes, and levels of advanced degrees for every school in our area.  I was even willing to move. I interviewed principals, teachers, and toured schools.  I was determined to find the perfect school for my babies. I walked in and out of schools not having that "feeling."  It is so strange being on the other side. When I finally gave in and visited our school, I threw everything out the window.  I walked in, and I felt safe leaving my baby there.  That's really the only reason. I felt safe. I didn't care about test scores, curriculum, advanced degrees or class size. I felt safe. I felt like I could drive up and walk my baby into the classroom and walk away.  That's really all it boiled down to.

In the middle of the conversation with Kohen's teacher, I asked her if he was ready. She said he was definitely ready. I knew he was. A little (BIG) part of me was hoping she would say that he needed another year, another year at home with me controlling all the moments of his day.  She told me that by the end of the summer, God would give me peace about this Kindergarten business. I smiled, but I knew I wouldn't have peace about it.  When he was born, I held him so tightly that I didn't even want the nurses to take him to the nursery after his birth. I resigned from my career in the delivery room, from a school I adored. I would never leave him, and Kindergarten seemed like 100 years away.

Those years just snuck up on me.

Kohen was and is a dream come true. After resigning from my dreamy teaching job, I never, even once, missed my career. I missed the kids, witty conversations with my teaching buddies, and kid-free bathroom breaks, but not my job.  My heart was filled with the love I had for this little bald headed baby.

I think my biggest fears are the what if's.  What if I missed something?  What if I forgot to teach him something important?  What if he isn't kind enough? What if he forgets his manners?  What if someone is mean to him?  What if he hears something that I can't explain? What if...?  Oh, the list goes on and on.

Kohen's preschool teacher was right.  It took the whole summer, but I'm finally ready. God had a way of showing me that Kohen is a child of His, and all of my "what if's" are a waste of worry.  Is he kind enough?  As soon as I saw my sweet boy hugging and loving on his little brother while little brother screamed from a broken leg, I knew he was kind enough.  Manners...what a joke!  I have been "yes ma'am'd, please'd and thank you'd"  all summer, without prompting. My happy boy, who is full of giggles and happiness, is ready. And, this is a PSA to any kid who even thinks about being unkind in any way to my baby boy... I will find you and your momma!

I'm still dreading the day. I'll miss my buddy, my playdate-planning, dessert lovin', smiling little boy, but I have peace about the school thing. I still cringe a little. But, my little Kohen is ready. His backpack, which he picked out all by himself, is packed with his list of supplies. His first day outfit is picked out. No fears. No concerns. Just excited.  That is what it should be too.

The baby boy I still see when I look at my Kohen.  

Pre-K 2-The year I thought he would become a felon. He embarrassed his mommy...the little biter! 

Pre-K 3-The year my itty bitty boy became a little boy.  He moved to a new state, left his best friends, and made an unfamiliar place his new home.  

Pre-K 4-What a difference a year can make. My little boy became a little man. He LOVES school (Thank you, Mrs. Keller and Mrs. Bryant!), loves his friends, and loves doing crafts.  And, most shockingly, he loved for me to pick him up LATE.  He WANTED to be at school. 

My little doll, I am SO proud you are my son. You remind me so much of your amazing daddy. I'll still worry, fret, and fuss over you, but it is because I love you beyond anything I can ever explain. You are filled with pure unadulterated goodness, and I pray that this crazy world doesn't disappoint you.